LOVE VS. FEAR

Love as a noun, love as a verb. You can say you love someone or something; yet if you don’t take action, is it really so?

Is the word Love way overused, yet not experienced? This past week I pondered, asked and searched for thoughts on the use of the word Love. This topic literally popped into my mind spawned by the appearance of the word in a simple sentence in an email. Please note the post before the last one. (There probably is an easier way to say that.......)

LOVE is an emotion, and the opposite emotion is FEAR. Let me set the stage.

A few weeks ago a former love’s phone number randomly appeared in my head, at times in large letters. Initially, I distinctly heard his father’s voice not speaking directly to me. I was compelled to search the internet and discovered an 800 number, yippee!!! The inquiry will not cost me a penny.

I sat on the couch, cup of tea in hand -- oh, so civilized, and placed the call. His brother-in-law answered the phone, and a wonderful conversation ensued. I left the call thinking, how pleasant; everyone seems alive, well and happy.

Yet, not stopping there, as I did not speak with my former love, I sent an email, and received a reply. I discovered he’s doing “great,” in a relationship with a new friend, and ……… his father had passed away ………. in 2001. That surprised and saddened me, yet the news did explain the voice I had heard in my mind.

When a relationship concludes, both people move on, one typically moves forward more easily. I was devastated initially. I felt both a personal loss of the relationship together with the loss of the warm, loving family I had grown to love. There were 6 siblings, two wonderful parents, grandchildren, etc.

As time passed, I grew, and moved on. A couple years later, he called, we met for lunch, and rather like a hiccup, the connection was gone again.

The recent thread of emails has been informative, yet, emotionless in an interesting way. We appear to be playing a role similar to Joe Friday’s TV role on the series Dragnet, "Just the facts, Ma'am…,”

In my coaching practice I suggest and share the belief that thoughts generated by feelings are best investigated and not shoved beneath the couch. They will definitely reappear, and, perhaps appear at inconvenient times possibly larger in scope.

This relationship was special; I learned so, so much.

As I prepared to move to a tiny town, 3 hours from my hometown, friends and family, it was my responsibility to create an income stream to support my life which includes the typical -- car, insurances, etc. etc. Now, thinking back, I’m not certain that we discussed marriage. The target date for the move was my daughter’s high school graduation. He bought me a treadmill to celebrate the move.

I started to think hard, too hard, perhaps. There were emotions which spawned feelings of isolation, confusion, and fear that slowly emanated to eventually create a large, burdensome weight bearing on my chest. He was established; he was an entrepreneur and was continuing to develop in his hometown. What was I to do? Nothing – the answer kept playing and replaying in my head.

I felt lost, and disconnected. Those feelings became who I was. Eventually, he met someone else and moved on. How could I have been surprised? Until now, I did not fully understand my role in what happened.

1. I did not honor my value of complete commitment and communication.
2. By not acknowledging and sharing my needs, the relationship was doomed.
3. Not living in the present; living with a future target also created relationship failure. The dangling carrot, my daughter’s graduation, looked brilliant.
4. My life was totally changing. His life, as perceived by me, was to simply make room in a closet for my stuff.

What I have learned. Values typically do not change. When you make decisions not based on your true values, problems will occur.

When another relationship dissolved, I processed through its demise faster, and with fewer traumas. I had a coach, new tools and better skills which created much better understandings. I do the homework that my coach requests. I monitor more thoughts, process those thoughts, and take action when there is action to take. Stay tuned for more to come.

Your thoughts – please feel free to share publicly on the site or email me at itsyourlifenet@yahoo.com Coaching is confidential – safe – and wonderful. By contacting me – receiving a ½ hour complimentary coaching experience – is like finding $50. Tag – you’re it.